Arguing for Dummies
How you can really argue with each other?
I suspect that most relationships do not end with a bang, as when one does something really stupid, but with constant conflict, which is sometime unbearable. Who can escalate any dispute the same, personally does not respond empathically, which will find some time alone again. Adult, mature and human conflict is important for a relationship.
lead is sometimes contentious as war: It takes a stand, bombarded with Vorfwürfen pushes back, is in the back, leading real grave fighting until the end of a surrendered or fled.
men and women argue differently. Those who handle so with his girls with his buddies, will quickly run into resistance. Limits are set differently, the dispute is aimed at different results, proven strategies for de-escalation are not effective. Around with his mates back to well understand it often enough, just drink a beer over it or go a round of foosball.
guys push in her talks often only provide information back and forth. And arguments. As with the quartet playing. And who in the end the most points wins. The women rarely make. Often, they argue, in order to communicate their feelings and express them to give air. Who only on their arguments, does not address their feelings, you lose.
But it articulates feelings?
Every statement, every communication attempt has four sides, four aspects - the example of the sentence "The window is open":
a tangible aspect: the window is actually open.
A self-disclosure aspect: I'm cold.
an appeal issue: Why do not use the time window.
a relationship aspect: I can bully you.
Such a harmless message may equally involve an attempt at a demonstration of power - who has not, her mother says: "Put you something warm, it's out there cold," and you say "I can take care of myself!" . Since you have on their relationship aspect, namely the mother to attempt to stamp for you and you responded dependent, and not on the property aspect. This is not the temperature outside, but the fact that they connected ever will alert.
Thus, a dispute arise quickly if you can ignore the complexity of the message or understand the intent of the message on the wrong level:
"Where were you today because for so long?"
"You ask what time again? Do you want to control me again? "
If the first question was meant only curious and not as accusatory, as it was understood, then the inquiring person injured feel, perceive the other as sensitive or aggressive and next time be more careful or on the occasion of his own frustration with a "Always You are so mean to me" vent. Therefore, one of the most common Armed occasions: "What are you talking about me?" Then, "drowned out" the relationship level suddenly a factual level, and it was no longer about issues, but just a matter of forming the relationship.
The most common subject of disputes, values and value conflicts. Even if it's on the surface for something completely different turns:
* Surface: "Again you're out with your dumb buddies"? Underlying values conflict: "You mean your pals apparently more than I do and I am hurt!"
* "You always fall asleep watching TV"? "I'm not important enough for you!"
* "I will not go back to Mallorca! We were there last year "? "You always decide what we do! I will not dance only after your whistle! "
Such value conflicts are almost inevitable. But they must be identified and discussed. Women bring their criticism often produced in this indirect way. If the man instead of just the coolness of his buddies or the comfort of the couch or the benefits of defending Ballermann, he misses the real point and the woman feels misunderstood. The frustration builds up to when the actual values conflict breaks out again in another place and hidden under a surface other - Such as falling asleep watching TV when the guy then and even more about the new cat than for his wife and she takes care of this then accused. He sees the relationship between the two problems and not keep her from being irrational and emotional control, and this is "normal" between sexual communication problems.
Tip: As is often set, limits. Certain areas of his life can determine each partner fully itself. One may set the garage on his own terms, the other must decide what he does Friday night. Similarly, the woman her freedom, in which the man has not in interfering. If no limits are set, can also be everything has to be fought. But even in a relationship need not be debatable everything.
men and women are different approaches to relationship problems.
The key word here, as so often, empathy. So the ability to empathize with other people. And find out the underlying feelings. If men want to keep talking
then the other hand, only a very faulty, unempathic right to respond only to the substance of the statement, then past the woman. Or they break even: Why can finish when it is clear anyway, what does she want? But communicating with a break you feel on a personal level but another imbalance in the relationship and the woman disrespektierlich treated.
men have it often seems that it is difficult for women, an important issue to act sober and impersonal. They distance themselves often from the ideas that they care about. Women have internalized a lot of ideas and may have a substantive criticism of these often take it personally. Men tended to take small differences are often not serious and life-fun competition battles over it.
In a nutshell, women express themselves, men bring forward arguments. Women want to be understood and accepted, men solve problems. Just because it's a cliché, it is not so far from true.
Tip: You say your views - but only if you even know you belong, what you really want to say really. Usually it does not matter then even more if you actually really right or not. For example: "Mom, I know that it is cold outside and I know that you'd like to take care of me But you also know that I am now old enough to myself to take care of my clothes.."
men but keep the problem solved for some time, or simply see no problem and are withdrawing from the dispute. "What the old woman really wants from me, but has no real problem? It has fallen to her but Mallorca! " They have seen the real problem is often not so. Women experience it as frustrating, because the man then withdrew from the conversation or stop taking them seriously. They bring their problems also often not in a way to understand the men easily.
Tip: Man (n) can solve the often, by focusing on their feelings without the merely superficial arguments. And by agreeing to separate its own effect on the wife of one's own beliefs: "I'm sorry, I did not want you're down" can certainly be of "I was wrong" to separate, the one without the others say, and without losing the frame and incoherent be. This saves a lot of the hassle. But do not let that your counterpart with advanced any reason misses his or her frustration on you!
Some issues are important to some people differently.
Sometimes you see only one partner is a problem, while the other is thinking: rendezvous but not in such a way that does no good. For example, A crumbling at breakfast always go to bed, which makes him even nothing, but the sensitive B complained of sleepless nights. It must be A, the problem of B-sight can understand and do not take his own feelings as a benchmark. And B must communicate the problem so that A is not equal to offend, because in this case is about the conversation can quickly lead to mutual accused of insensitivity and hypersensitivity.
Many people have this problem, the habit of transferring any criticism of the conduct of a people to himself. From: "You have the bed vollgekrümelt" becomes: "You're always so sloppy." ". You're a failure" From: "You have made a mistake," then this often makes a difference, how to communicate the feelings - whether you talk about others or about your own feelings that the other has raised: "This remark hurt me!" becomes: "You 're mean! "If you discipline your children so can cause severe neurological disturbances educate. Who are the partners before so, it is often emotive in a way and push in the defense that an informed debate about the error and its correction possibilities hardly possible.
Tip: Whatever happens, it is never the opposite, as the wrong person or in full / evil / is stupid, but any criticism can usefully apply only to the actions of the partner. What it's up to us to judge other people instead of their actions?
Tip2: Through a problem so that the other is analogous to his understand their own standards. For example: "Look, there are things to which we attach different value about you like always, that the sound quality when listening to music is perfect bother me a bit is not background noise that makes you, the unruly and you must then remain fiddle around on the radio.. . until the noise goes away And it to me with the bread crumbs: you do not disturb, but I feel uncomfortable and I start then, rumzuwälzen me. "
Indeed, on some issues, one can hardly argue the point:
Different themes require different sensitivity, since they differ deeply in our personality, our concept of life or our values are rooted hierarchies. When it comes to whether the purchase of an iPhone is worthwhile, whether Mercedes is better than BMW or if Francis Bacon was really Shakespeare, it does not matter whether the disputants hetero, bi, or gay, Christian or Muslim or atheist, male or woman, old or young. This is much more on issues such as education, abortion, personal freedom, faith, food, religion, human rights, relations with the opposite sex. different. On such issues it is extremely fast and get down to this you can often hardly be separated from yourself and your values. Thus, a factual statement expressed quickly to a criticism of that important what other people is. Because you attack a landmark, has been guided on which the other may be important parts of his life.
Tip: Give the counterpart is the feeling that they take her seriously despite all the differences and understand their views. One can avoid such a debate even by switching to a practice-oriented meta-level: "We both have different views and I do not think you can convince me - as little as I do. We are in a sense stuck. What do we do now? "And by emphasizing common ground.
A dispute is not over until it's over.
disputes can have long effects especially when the real issue is not even been mentioned. Then there is, for example, at some point: "You do not take me seriously," even though the guy has felt it all the time were only about some things that have nothing to do with her.
Tip: A dispute may be nachbesprochen. What happened? Why are we really become so emotional? Did we both actually felt it was about the same topic? It is perfectly fair if every once calmly described what happened from his perspective. Usually felt just before someone attacked, even though that was not meant that way. Thereby reducing the risk that some conflicts simmer just below the surface and eventually explode.
The emotion makes the music.
refers the dispute instead of at one point, a power play: accusing each other derogatory phrases to his head and tries to humiliate or hurt themselves. Then the battle lines have usually always been hardened so that it no longer a question of fact on the surface discussed argument goes, but about emotions. The voice makes the music: to raise alone, they can heat up the atmosphere. Bad is it if the substance of a statement is no more with the tone of voice revealed: "Oh, of course you're right! As always, "and you will try to the substance of the statement convene in order to make unassailable: "Why, I told you were right!" This is a strategy through its own inconsistency to be unassailable, that is simply offensive and irrelevant.
Tip: Never lose control. Who throws a tantrum, things will break something or vulgar, lost automatically. And he's automatically the perceived blame for everything. Who noted that he loses control: Freeze out. "I realize I am just very subjective. Let's talk about it another time. "And then dominated leave the room and quietly make the door behind him. So you remain in control and they will be at least partly responsible - and quite likely it is to you shortly afterwards crying in the arms.
Tip2: Sometimes "bombs" thrown that will just hurt. "You've always never really satisfied," is about as one. "For you will never eh!" another. Discussing the truth of such a bomb is totally unnecessary - this sentence is simply aimed only at your weaknesses and is nothing but a tool, a weapon which is directed against you: the substance of you can ignore it safely. Better to sink all the bomb right in the sea, look up rather than before or whether it sharp or not is more of a dud. Treat this as if Someone would have called up as a pig - because you ask not yes, if it's true or not.
Hope this helps.
Best regards,
Hearts_and_minds.
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